The Gift of Embarrassment

What is embarrassment and what is its potential for understanding Self?

I recently received a text from a close friend who had lent me her car. Preoccupied with activities at the time of returning the car, I forgot to return it with a full tank of gas. As a result, my friend was late for an appointment because she had to stop to fill the car in order to reach her destination. Frustrated, she texted me to say 'You could have left some petrol in the car!'

Upon receiving the text, I felt an immediate adrenalin rush as I felt shamed and panicked. What was this reaction? By allowing myself to reflect on my physical and emotional reactions, I realised it was embarrassment. Embarrassment at what? Overall, the feeling was one of being misrepresented as:

• Mean and selfish
• Taking advantage of her kindness
• Scant regard for her commitments and timescales
• 'Getting away with' stealing something from her

The self-consciousness of this situation was extremely uncomfortable but by choosing to sit with those feelings and reflect on their existential meaning, I considered such embarrassment to be a gift. A Gift of Self-Awareness in the Perception of Mis-representation. I had a desire to rush and re-shape my fantasy of my friend's perception of me. My perceptions are of course all assumptions of her interpretation of me, when the meaning she attached to the event is unknown. Her response may have been more to do with finally setting boundaries, having been taken advantage of in previous situations - or any other infinite possibilities of the meaning of the event for her. Of course, without examination and discussion, my interpretation of her meaning is pure conjecture.

Imagine another scenario. What if I had deliberately tried to take advantage, hoping my actions would go unnoticed? Embarrassment would then have a different association of self-consciousness - self-consciousness of being found out and having reflected back an aspect of Self that I do not want to admit to. But by not having it reflected back, I can hoodwink myself as it not being an aspect of myself - the potential for embarrassment thus offers access to aspects of My Self.

What is embarrassment from an existential perspective? Embarrassment offers the opportunity to experience Self, judged or perceived to be judged by others as behaving inappropriately. Instead of rushing to change another's impression of oneself, what if it offers a gift to experience Self differently? Embarrassment has the potential to highlight the unfixed nature of Self and reminds us of our phenomenal self which arises from moment to moment.